A hard question

I was asked the other day that if I had known about the mutations, if I would have had children.

This is an easy and hard question all rolled into one.

I don’t spend a lot of time, if any, looking backwards. It serves no purpose and does me no good. Regretting things or wondering if I had done something different changes nothing about today. I try to regret nothing. Everything in life is a lesson I believe. I see each choice I’ve made as something to learn from and move on. Either it was good and I repeat or bad and I learn. I have met some great people who have stayed, some who were short blips who made a big impact. Some I would be happy to learn from and never do again. I have been in love several times. Each time being unique and shaping me into who I am. No matter what it has been, every choice I have made has led me to this moment today where I have 3 beautiful children, who in their individual ways, make every day more interesting, challenging, irritating and exhausting all at once.

I cannot unhave my kids. I wouldn’t want to. They have become an integral part of who I am. I appreciate everything about them, about who they are. So being asked if I had known, is a difficult question. I didn’t know. When I found out I was pregnant with E I knew there was a 50/50 for Fragile x. My hope was that it was a girl and not a boy. I would have loved either, but life with J will always be difficult and he will more than likely live with us forever. A has more potential for independence in the future. We were excited to learn E was a girl. Whether she had fragile x like A and J, or didn’t, we would make it work. We never factored in cystic fibrosis. We were done having kids after E, but when she came back with CF we were so done it was not even a question. It’s one thing to play roulette with one mutation, it’s a whole other to play with two. She was a surprise to begin with and I was done with surprises.

To answer the question, if I had known, I would not have had children.

This is hard for me to admit because I love my kids. I am grateful I didn’t know. But my life is not easy. Most days are exhausting. There’s therapy and doctors appointments. All 3 of my kids have extras. I will never have that moment where I will feel comfortable leaving my children alone. J will never be able to be left alone. I’m not sure that when they’re all in high school that will ever happen. It’s not safe.

I have adopted a roll with it attitude. It’s the only way to get through everything that comes with “special” kids. I don’t get worked up over things. I don’t stress if I don’t have too. I deal with each day in each day. I can not control what happens 5 months from now or 5 years, but I’ve mastered today like a boss. I enjoy each moment with each kid. I have days where I’ve reached my limit and want to pull my hair out. I have days where they’re just great. Everything worked out perfect. The kids are all in good moods. It’s a great day. Those are the days I hold onto. When the hair pulling day ends, it’s done. Tomorrow is a new day.

This is my life. My reality. I don’t look back only forward. The choices I make now affect tomorrow not yesterday.

As they say in the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons “keep moving forward”.

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